I hang with a lot of smart people. Many of my good friends are either scientists, or believe very strongly in science. It’s the “intelligent” thing to do, right?
My friends know I am smart, but they also know I am kooky and off-beat, which I think they appreciate in a, “oh, there she goes again” kind of way. Sometimes, it creates a bit of cognitive dissonance; many of my friends think astrology and metaphysical stuff is hogwash, so when I start going on one of my “you’re like this because of your sign” tangents, I know they’re not necessarily telling me what they really think, or are putting it extremely gently so as not to hurt my feelings. Likewise, I often hold back my true thoughts and feelings so as not to incur the looking-at-me-like-I-have-3-heads facial expressions.
It’s getting tougher to stomach, though. I have a tough time because it is VERY important to me to stay grounded in physical reality, but at the same time, I absolutely do believe in many things that my friends would consider completely ridiculous. Also, many of the really “far out” new age hippie types are TOO ungrounded for me, and I have trouble being around them because there’s only so much airy-fairy crap I can handle. I spend quite a lot of my attention on my intuition, emotions, and looking at manifestational “signs” in reality around me, or to dreams or images I find important, but if these things aren’t relevant to my “real life,” then I don’t have as much patience for them as I used to in prior years.
In the last few days, so many of my friends have been posting about the “whack job” anti-vaxxers out in California and how they are bringing back diseases voluntarily. Many of these friends have babies or young children, and I can sense the barely-hidden (often hysterical) fear they are harboring about their precious offspring, and the “insane,” deadly threat that these unvaccinated kids (and their “idiot” parents) are posing. What I’m finding is that the more vehement, forceful, and condescending/superior these friends become, the more I feel like disagreeing with them.
I am trying to figure out energetically what’s going on here, because it’s a trigger that keeps appearing nonstop on my feed. If you’ve read any other posts in this blog, you probably know that I am VERY skeptical of the medical establishment and its connection to Big Pharma, and have been for many years. I absolutely understand the reasoning/mentality that the anti-vaxxers are coming from. On the other hand, when I look at the statistical data, it seems “undeniable” that vaccines have effectively provided a “cure” to what used to be extremely widespread diseases. Rationally and mentally, I understand it. But I guess what I’m tapping into is the “instability” of the position my friends are occupying—it’s sort of the question of, if you are so incredibly confident about your data, then why are you getting so defensive and smug about it towards those who disagree with you?
Obviously, “those who disagree” might have children who could hypothetically infect yours, or else other “innocents” out there. I mean, I do understand the problem. Still, something is troubling me about the situation.
A lot of it, I think, has to do with this turning of science into its own “infallible” religion. Also, how can we really trust the data we are being given if, say, the media is being controlled by larger sources that do not have our best interests at heart?
Actually what just occurred to me is that it’s possible that these diseases could have been concocted by man and then “released” into the population at different times. Then, once the vaccines were developed, perhaps they simply stopped being released, or were gradually released in smaller doses or fewer areas to create the effect of the disease “slowly disappearing.” Meanwhile, the powers-that-be could make it seem as if this crazy scary poison they are injecting into us is in fact the “savior.”
That sounds like a conspiracy theory, but I can’t help considering different options, because the only thing I know for sure is that the pro-vaxxers believe they are on absolutely concrete terrain and yet they have extremely strong repressed emotional undercurrents (defensiveness) backing these beliefs, and those emotions indicate an unstable situation that will probably combust at some point. I can sense that they are not on the “rock solid” superior ground they would like to believe they are on, but I do not yet know the reasons why this is the case. That “engineered diseases” theory is one that just popped into my head, so I threw it out there. It’s not necessarily the real situation.
I was 25 when I first found out I had HPV, which was in 2007. “Conveniently,” the industry had JUST rolled out a brand new wonder HPV vaccine, and—how lucky! The cutoff age for taking the vaccine was 26—I was just in time!
Looking back now, I am KICKING myself for taking that goddamn vaccine, because I know in my heart it was the wrong thing to do. I just know it. I know it was no “accident” that it unrolled when it did. I know that what has caused and what ALWAYS causes my HPV to reappear is when I’m on the pill, or possibly when I’m sleeping with guys who don’t really love me, because those two generally coincide. After that experience, it’s impossible for me to trust the medical industry, and it’s impossible for me to trust newfangled wonder-vaccines.
Does it seem really arrogant/egotistical that I could think I played a roll in that vaccine’s rollout? Yes, but over the years I’ve had to accept that I am a massive essence on this planet, and that my energy is connected heavily not just to manifestations in my own life, but on the planet at large. Maybe people will get angry at me for saying so, but just as many or more people meet me and they can already sense how “big” I am essence-wise, and they will make comments reflecting it. They get that I’m “different” somehow, and I’ve always felt it. I don’t think it makes me “better” than anyone else, I mean it’s definitely been much more of a curse than a blessing in this lifetime because it’s made me feel responsible for so much and carrying a huge heavy burden, but downplaying myself and pretending to be “small” hasn’t really worked either. Is it possible that “they” could have engineered and introduced a special vaccine mainly to target “me” with something that would keep my light and vibration suppressed? Sure, why not. That thing hurt like a mofo going in. It wasn’t just about me either, because look at the billions of dollars they made and all the other girls and boys they’ve been able to suppress/poison as well—so many girls who DROPPED DEAD after receiving this thing, too! So it wasn’t just me, but the TIMING was such that they knew they could still get me to go for it, before I lost all faith in the medical industry.
I wonder if even this post might get censored or suppressed in some way—we shall see, I guess. If it does, then I will know I am absolutely onto something important! It’s generally easier just to shame into submission through social ostracization though, or shaming me for making myself “too important.” Those have been really effective so far because of my fear of my own loneliness, desire to be accepted, and willingness to change myself in order to be. It hasn’t worked, and I need to stop doing it.
If I can “crack” this nut, I bet some new information will come out sooner or later about the reality of vaccines. I’m pretty sure I am onto something here, even if I don’t yet know what it is. Fortunately I am not pregnant so this is not an issue that I need to directly face in regards to guilt and fears about my own child’s safety, so I am still able to be relatively objective about it in a way that my friends cannot be right now.
So I guess what I am going to do, is I am going to set the intention to receive more information and understandings around this topic, and then see what the universe delivers to me. I’ll keep you guys posted about what I receive.
In other news, I had two really great manifestations on Friday evening (after a somewhat hellish and fear/dread-filled day), and they pumped me up a bit. I’m hopeful that the tide is finally starting to turn for me, but I’m afraid of getting my hopes up again. Just gonna play it by ear and wait and watch and process whatever comes up, as I need to. Yup.
ADDENDUM:
I wrote most of this post yesterday but am not posting until today. I wanted to add that what I’m realizing is that I need to commit to standing in the emotional place that I hate the most, which is when I say something and other people either don’t understand it/don’t connect to it, or else outright judge, reject, or insult me for it. I have been MUCH too quick my entire life to just silence myself, shut myself down, or destroy something I’ve created just because other people did not like it or approve of it. I see where that road has led me, and I need to stop doing it, because it is an act of self destruction and it benefits no one. I understand that I came to this planet with important things to share, and just because my ideas may not be fully developed yet, or just because most people aren’t ready to hear them yet, does not mean that they are “wrong.” I release the judgment that I should have to appear “right” without going through any sort of evolutionary process first. I release the judgment that just because someone else dislikes what I have to say or disagrees with it means that I am objectively “wrong.” I am going to try much harder to simply speak my truth of wherever I happen to be right now and to allow the fallout without running, shutting myself down, or apologizing (unless I sense I am actually putting myself in some type of danger). I recognize that energetically, when I take steps like these, I am helping to create “cracks” in the illusion which will eventually cause it to crumble and the light of truth will shine through. If enough of us start to do this, it will happen faster. I’m not saying that I know what the truth is yet, but I can sense that we as a species have not found it, and that we have been trying to compensate for it by implementing a consensus-based “reality” which, frankly, sucks. It’s very uncomfortable for me to live within these confines, but it seems very uncomfortable for other people to see their foundation, no matter how illusory, start to weaken, because it feels better to believe you are on solid ground. I know, however, that they will feel much better once they have accepted and embraced the truth, just as I have, so I have to work through my fear of conflict and accept that following my heart and intuition is the right path, no matter how painful it might be in the moment. Argh.
Seeking a Compass 