Well, it has been an interesting ride for sure lately. I spent most of September feeling stressed, depressed, heartbroken, and upset almost beyond my capacity to function, as I was going through a breakup with someone and trying to sort my energies out from his (he really did not want to let me go at first). I knew it was over and I knew it was for the best, but I still felt guilt and missing aspects of him and wondering if I did the right thing. In the end, my soul was adamant that this needed to be a clean break, and I am now picking up the pieces, getting organized, purging extra unwanted stuff, and building for the future.
Still, it feels like most of a month simply disappeared for me, which is a weird phenomenon. I reached such primal places in myself, really harrowing–it felt like another plane. I don’t blame him necessarily because clearly this was some karmic soul balancing and I needed the triggers, but he still did some pretty crappy things and that’s why I don’t want him in my life anymore. But you live, you learn.
Through this experience I learned that I am not just an “inherently jealous/insecure person”–I learned that my jealousy actually has valid roots based on people lying to me, hiding things, or misrepresenting their intentions. That is a very important understanding for me to reach, and I feel more at peace as a result. I’m still no relationship expert, and I still haven’t found what I really want, but I’m getting better.
I’ve been getting lots of clear messages/impulses to ditch the dross/clutter, to use up what I have, and to stop buying a bunch of new crap. It’s challenging for me to let go of things, but I know I need to make space for the new–that much is obvious. Hell, even right after breaking up with this guy, I already met someone new who is fun and cute and hopefully we’ll start hanging out soon. Plus I kept this other friend/occasional hookup in my life and he and I are closer than ever. The universe has been much kinder to me this go-round than when I went through breakups in the past–I used to feel so devastated, so alone, that it was “all my fault” and I was inherently unlovable. What I’m finally starting to understand is that I need to really trust my feelings, to not go for people who I’m not really that into, to be with those who value me and vibe on my level. I am amazed by the lack of jealousy I feel now compared to most of my life.
That said, certain things do still bother me, and it’s good to look at those too and try to sort out what’s what. There’s no blanket, one-size-fits-all, “this is right but that’s wrong” set of guidelines–each situation has its own set of motivations and agendas driving it, and it’s that CONTENT that actually defines the situation! This is an amazing thing to realize. Our minds want to apply rules and structures and to view things at face value, but the WHY behind someone’s actions is essential in understanding it.
This is a tough thing to explain, especially to people who don’t really value intuition or “feeling into” circumstances and people. It’s the difference between getting a tattoo to look cool/edgy and fit in versus getting one that is incredibly symbolic and meaningful in your life. One is a form of conformity, the other authentic self-expression–but at face value, they might look the same.
Anyway, an interesting topic but I’ll leave it there for now. What I really need to do right now is to process and tackle various aspects of my life instead of succumbing to endless distractions. I need a healthy social life, but I’ve been neglecting my creative and internal life for much too long. It feels dark and cobwebby and scary, this inner part of me that used to be so comfortable and in fact constituted my whole world. I’m afraid of what I might find in there.
Yet, life is giving me this chance. My parents gave me some money, which is something they usually never do. My car broke down and I’m not getting a new one yet–my job and gym are within walking distance, and I can live in my city without a car. My part time job is cutting some of my hours but I’m okay with it (mainly because of the recent financial buffer). A space is clearing externally for me to focus on internal processing (again, for lack of a better word) which will then translate into creative self-expression. Writing this blog, and writing in general, have always been a big part of that. I’d like to work on my other blog too, which will be more outward-focused. I’m also working on a nonfiction book, and I want to work on a novel. I want to sew and make things and create. This is where I will find much of my happiness now, I think, though I will also want to bring these things outward into my social network when it is time for that.
These last two eclipses were massive for me–the first happened opposite my Venus and the second happened opposite my Mars (Sun was conjunct, Moon was opposite rather). Obviously, relationship themes. But if I want to have a good romantic relationship, I first need to have a good relationship with myself. I feel ready to do this excavation work. I feel ready to revisit those creative aspects that I left in neglect and disrepair when I wanted so badly to fit in with people as an adolescent and a teen.
We miss things when we move too quickly and when we don’t go back to revisit these old places. I have been waiting for days for my current favorite blogger, Lisa Gawlas, to post–she posts most days usually, but this time it’s been about 6 in a row of quiet. I kept looking for a new blog, and I had read the most recent one, but only today did I realize that I had skipped past the previous blog–I read it, and I found it immensely useful and relevant to where I’m at right now: https://lisagawlas.wordpress.com/2015/09/23/recalibration-of-the-new-cogs-you-of-life-underway-do-you-have-all-your-teeth/
No, I don’t have all of my “teeth” currently–this creative piece is worn down, broken. I need to fix it. It’s a daunting task, but after the brutal trauma I just re-endured emotionally, I feel stronger and more ready to tackle things. I will still go at a gentle pace and give myself time to be still and to cry as needed, but I feel motivate to proceed in this direction.
If a new post had come out in these last few days, I probably would never have gone back to read the one I missed. Everything is interconnected. Keep your eyes open and pay attention. We are being guided.
Seeking a Compass 